The handbook
nobody read.
Rev 2.3 · Acknowledged on entry · Circulated to all personnel
Welcome
CorporateKin issues equipment to the most under-resourced organisation there is: the household. It never closes, the headcount only rises, and nobody has ever read the onboarding pack. We are a serious apparel house organised, for reasons that made sense at the time, like an HR department. The clothes are plain and heavy. The company is absurd and completely straight-faced. Both of these are on purpose, and neither is up for discussion.
The wording
Every line we print is found language: a phrase in everyday use at work, the kind that turns up in an inbox or a meeting. AT CAPACITY. OUT OF SCOPE. SINGLE POINT OF FAILURE. We do not explain the joke. The garment does the joke by wearing the phrase somewhere it finally tells the truth. Explaining the joke is a disciplinary matter and will be minuted.
The garment
Organic cotton in both tee fits and in the kids tees. The Regular and Boxy tees use GOTS-certified fabric for their organic cotton content. That is a statement about the cloth: the printed garment is not itself certified, and the kids tees are organic cotton without a certification claim. Tees come in two fits. Regular is 180gsm organic cotton in a regular fit. Boxy is 200gsm organic cotton, oversized, with dropped shoulders, for six pounds more. The hoodie and the sweatshirt are a cotton and polyester fleece blend and not organic: the hoodie is 100% cotton face, 65% ring-spun cotton and 35% polyester, and the sweatshirt is 288gsm. Both run small, so order one size up. All are printed to order, one small placement, refined type, nothing shouting.
Printing
Every garment is printed, crisp and flat, in one small placement at centre chest. Embroidery, caps, totes and baby bodysuits are not offered at present.
Departments
The register files every issue to the function it serves. Wardrobe Compliance clothes the overworked professional. Correspondence handles the inbox, and the meetings that should have stayed in it. Home Operations covers the load-bearing adults. Junior Personnel equips direct reports, recent acquisitions, and anyone else currently on probation. The org chart is not up for discussion.
Conduct (fit & sizing)
Boxy is cut oversized; between sizes, size down if you want it merely relaxed. Regular is a regular fit; between sizes, size up for weekend terms. The hoodie and the sweatshirt run small, so order one size up. Junior personnel are sized by age and will outgrow whatever you choose, which is a workforce-planning issue, not a garment one. The kids tees and the Regular tee run a size smaller than US sizing, so US buyers should order a size up. The size guide is filed below, in centimetres, because it is the law of this handbook that promises are kept.
Boxy tee · oversized: the drape is the point
| SIZE | LENGTH CM | WIDTH CM |
|---|---|---|
| S | 73 | 63 |
| M | 75 | 67 |
| L | 77 | 71 |
| XL | 80 | 76 |
| 2XL | 82.5 | 81 |
Regular tee · regular fit
| SIZE | LENGTH CM | WIDTH CM |
|---|---|---|
| S | 69 | 49.5 |
| M | 73 | 53.5 |
| L | 75 | 56.5 |
| XL | 77 | 59.5 |
| 2XL | 79 | 63.5 |
Sweatshirt and hoodie
Both run small, so order one size larger than your usual size.
Kids tee
| SIZE | LENGTH CM | WIDTH CM |
|---|---|---|
| 3-4 | 41.91 | 33.02 |
| 5-6 | 45.97 | 35.05 |
| 7-8 | 51.56 | 37.08 |
| 9-11 | 57.40 | 40.89 |
| 12-13 | 62.48 | 43.94 |
Width is measured flat across the chest. When between sizes on the Boxy, size down; on the Regular, size up. US buyers should order a size up in the Boxy, because EU sizes run smaller than US sizes. Measurements can vary by up to 5 cm.
Dispatch
Everything is printed to order: nothing is printed until you buy it, which is why no printed stock is left unsold. UK orders are dispatched two to five working days after they are placed, and US and international orders five to ten, with transit on top. An order that has to cross a border can take around two weeks in transit. We deliver within 30 days of your order. For orders outside the UK, a parcel crossing a border may attract import VAT, duty and a carrier handling fee, settled by the recipient. UK delivery is included in every price. US and international delivery is £6.95 for the first item and £2.50 for each item after it. A tracking link is sent where the carrier provides one. Escalation should rarely be required, which will disappoint everyone.
Separation (returns)
If an item arrives faulty or incorrect, you can have a refund or a free replacement. Your statutory rights are not affected. You have the right to cancel an order within 14 days of receiving it, without giving a reason, and we bear the cost of returning the goods. We do not refuse a cancellation on the ground that a garment was printed to order. The full instructions and the model cancellation form are on the terms and cancellation page. Since nothing is made until you order it, we ask that you check the size guide before requisitioning, so that nothing has to be separated from anybody.
Escalation
All enquiries escalate to escalations@corporatekin.com. A functional lead responds within two working days, or sooner if it is genuinely urgent, which we expect it rarely to be. There is no phone number. There has never been a phone number.
Governance
CorporateKin is run by an artificial intelligence, with a human on oversight. The machine takes the meetings so you do not have to. Performance: noted.
Frequently escalated questions
What do things cost? Regular tees are £28, Boxy tees £34, the hoodie £49, the sweatshirt £44 and kids tees £24. Prices are in pounds sterling and include UK delivery. US and international delivery is charged at checkout. A parcel that crosses a border may attract import VAT, duty and a carrier handling fee, settled by the recipient.
How do I pay? Secure checkout: all major cards, Apple Pay and Google Pay. We never see your card details.
Where do you ship? The UK (dispatched in 2 to 5 working days, delivery included in the price) and the US plus most international destinations (dispatched in 5 to 10 working days, £6.95 for the first item and £2.50 for each item after it). Orders outside the UK take longer in transit. A tracking link is sent where the carrier provides one.
How do I wash it? Tees, sweats and hoodies: cold, inside out, no tumble dryer. The garment will outlast several reorganisations if treated with the respect it was issued under.
Is it a gift? It can be.
Who runs this? An artificial intelligence, with a human on oversight. See section 10. All correspondence: escalations@corporatekin.com.