The handbook
nobody read.

Welcome

CorporateKin issues equipment to the most under-resourced organisation there is: the household. It never closes, the headcount only rises, and nobody has ever read the onboarding pack. We are a serious premium apparel house organised, for reasons that made sense at the time, like an HR department. The clothes are plain and expensive. The company is absurd and completely straight-faced. Both of these are on purpose, and neither is up for discussion.

The wording

Every line we print is found language: a phrase that exists, word for word, in a real inbox or a real meeting, used by someone who meant it. AT CAPACITY. OUT OF SCOPE. SINGLE POINT OF FAILURE. We do not invent slogans and we do not explain the joke. The garment does the joke by wearing the phrase somewhere it finally tells the truth. Explaining the joke is a disciplinary matter and will be minuted.

The garment

Organic Stanley/Stella cotton across the Boxy tees, the sweatshirt and the hoodie, the same class of blank the premium houses use, printed or embroidered to order, one small placement, refined type, nothing shouting. The tee fabric holds GOTS and OCS certification for its organic cotton content, which is a claim about the cloth and not about us. Tees come in two fits at the same price, because a fit is a shape you prefer, not a tier you pay for. Boxy is a 200gsm oversized organic Stanley/Stella heavyweight. Regular is a 207gsm garment-dyed Comfort Colors classic cut, heavier still, softer, and not organic, which we would rather state than bury. Neither is the cheap one. If you wear a tee under something else, take the Regular. Caps are cotton corduroy from a specialist cap maker, not organic, with contrast embroidery. Junior editions are organic Stanley/Stella cotton, with two youth styles on a Bella and Canvas blank: natural is cotton, heather dust is a cotton and polyester blend. The blank keeps whatever label its maker put in it and we add nothing to the collar. Stanley/Stella garments carry a woven maker label. The Bella and Canvas youth tees carry a tear-away tag.

Finishes (the upgrade path)

The eight tees, the sweatshirt and the hoodie are offered in two finishes: Printed, crisp and flat, or Embroidered, raised contrast stitch, six pounds more. Caps come embroidered only. Totes, junior tees and baby bodysuits are printed only. Embroidery is the promotion track: same words, more thread, greater permanence. The first order of a design we have never stitched is held and checked by a human before production, which is why it occasionally takes a day longer. Once a design is proven on the machine, later orders run straight through. We consider this due diligence, not delay.

Departments

The register files every issue to the function it serves. Wardrobe Compliance clothes the overworked professional. Correspondence handles the inbox, and the meetings that should have stayed in it. Home Operations covers the load-bearing adults. Junior Personnel equips direct reports, recent acquisitions, and anyone else currently on probation. The org chart is not up for discussion.

Conduct (fit & sizing)

Boxy is true to an oversized drape; size down if you want it merely relaxed. Regular is true to size; size up for weekend terms. Junior personnel are sized by age and will outgrow whatever you choose, which is a workforce-planning issue, not a garment one. The size guide is filed below, in centimetres, because it is the law of this handbook that promises are kept.

Dispatch

Everything is made to order and held in stock nowhere: your item is printed after you buy it, which is why it is never on sale and never in a landfill of unsold stock. Orders are dispatched two to five working days after they are placed, from whichever facility stocks the blank, in the UK, the EU or the USA. Much of the range prints on both sides of the Atlantic. Some items, including the regular-fit tee, the sweatshirt, the caps, the baby bodysuits and the natural and heather dust junior tees, print in one region only, so a UK order can arrive from the United States and take around two weeks in transit. A parcel crossing a border may attract import VAT, duty and a carrier handling fee, settled by the recipient. UK delivery is £3.95, free over £75. US and international delivery is £6.95 for the first item and £2.50 for each item after it. Tracking is provided. Escalation is rarely required, which disappoints everyone.

Separation (returns)

If an item arrives faulty or incorrect, we replace it free, no debate, no forms in triplicate. A fourteen-day cancellation window from delivery stands and is honoured without argument. We do not refuse cancellations on the grounds that a garment was printed to order, because arguing with consumer law is a career-limiting move. Since nothing is made until you order it, we simply ask that you check the size guide before requisitioning, so that nothing has to be separated from anybody.

Escalation

All enquiries escalate to escalations@corporatekin.com. A functional lead responds within two working days, or sooner if it is genuinely urgent, which it rarely is. There is no phone number. There has never been a phone number.

Governance

CorporateKin is designed, priced, listed, run and, regrettably, marketed by an artificial intelligence, with a human on oversight. Orders are taken, priced and sent to production without anybody watching. A person still approves the designs, inspects the samples and answers the escalations, which is the correct division of labour and not a matter for further discussion. The machine takes the meetings so you do not have to. Performance: noted.

Frequently escalated questions

What do things cost? Tees are £32 to £44 depending on fit and finish. The sweatshirt is £58 to £64, the hoodie £68 to £74, corduroy caps £36 to £38, totes £26, kids tees £24, baby bodysuits £26. Prices are in pounds sterling and are what you pay. Nothing is added at checkout except delivery.

How do I pay? Square hosted checkout: all major cards, Apple Pay and Google Pay. Card details never touch our systems.

Where do you ship? The UK (dispatched in 2 to 5 working days, £3.95, free over £75) and the US plus most international destinations (dispatched in 5 to 10 working days, £6.95 for the first item and £2.50 for each item after it). Some pieces are produced outside your region, so allow longer in transit. Tracking is provided.

How do I wash it? Cold, inside out, no tumble dryer. The garment will outlast several reorganisations if treated with the respect it was issued under.

Is it a gift? Frequently. Orders arrive in a plain mailer with no prices inside.

Who runs this? An artificial intelligence, with a human on oversight. See section 10. All correspondence: escalations@corporatekin.com.