The handbook
nobody read.
Rev 2.0 · Issue 001 · Acknowledged on entry · Circulated to all personnel
Welcome
CorporateKin issues equipment to the most under-resourced organisation there is: the household. It never closes, the headcount only rises, and nobody has ever read the onboarding pack. We are a serious premium apparel house organised, for reasons that made sense at the time, like an HR department. The clothes are plain and expensive. The company is absurd and completely straight-faced. Both of these are on purpose, and neither is up for discussion.
The wording
Every line we print is found language: a phrase that exists, word for word, in a real inbox or a real meeting, used by someone who meant it. AT CAPACITY. OUT OF SCOPE. SINGLE POINT OF FAILURE. We do not invent slogans and we do not explain the joke. The garment does the joke by wearing the phrase somewhere it finally tells the truth. Explaining the joke is a disciplinary matter and will be minuted.
The garment
Certified organic Stanley/Stella cotton, the same class of blank the premium houses use, printed or embroidered to order, one small placement, refined type, nothing shouting. Tees come in two fits: Boxy, a 200gsm oversized heavyweight, and Regular, a 180gsm classic cut, in the same colour for every design, so the only decision is how much drape you can justify to yourself. Caps are washed corduroy with contrast embroidery. Junior editions add soft-washed cotton in natural and heather dust where the palette calls for it. Every printed garment carries our label inside the collar, because the details are the budget line we refuse to cut.
Finishes (the upgrade path)
Most designs are offered in two finishes: Printed, crisp and flat, or Embroidered, raised tonal stitch, six pounds more, available on either fit. Embroidery is the promotion track: same words, more thread, greater permanence. Embroidered orders are checked by an actual human before production, which is why they occasionally take a day longer. We consider this due diligence, not delay.
Departments
The register files every issue to the function it serves. Wardrobe Compliance clothes the overworked professional. Correspondence handles the inbox, and the meetings that should have stayed in it. Home Operations covers the load-bearing adults. Junior Personnel equips direct reports, recent acquisitions, and anyone else currently on probation. The org chart is not up for discussion.
Conduct (fit & sizing)
Boxy is true to an oversized drape; size down if you want it merely relaxed. Regular is true to size; size up for weekend terms. Junior personnel are sized by age and will outgrow whatever you choose, which is a workforce-planning issue, not a garment one. The size guide is filed below, in centimetres, because it is the law of this handbook that promises are kept.
Boxy tee (Blaster 2.0) · oversized: the drape is the point
| SIZE | LENGTH CM | WIDTH CM |
|---|---|---|
| S | 73 | 63 |
| M | 75 | 67 |
| L | 77 | 71 |
| XL | 80 | 76 |
| 2XL | 82.5 | 81 |
Regular tee (Creator 2.0) · true to size
| SIZE | LENGTH CM | WIDTH CM |
|---|---|---|
| S | 72 | 49.5 |
| M | 74 | 53.5 |
| L | 76 | 57.5 |
| XL | 79 | 62.5 |
| 2XL | 81.5 | 67.5 |
Sweatshirt
| SIZE | LENGTH CM | WIDTH CM |
|---|---|---|
| S | 71 | 55 |
| M | 73 | 59 |
| L | 75 | 63 |
| XL | 78 | 68 |
| 2XL | 80.5 | 73 |
Kids tee, white and navy
| SIZE | LENGTH CM | WIDTH CM |
|---|---|---|
| 3-4 | 41.91 | 33.02 |
| 5-6 | 45.97 | 35.05 |
| 7-8 | 51.56 | 37.08 |
| 9-11 | 57.40 | 40.89 |
| 12-13 | 62.48 | 43.94 |
Kids tee, natural and heather dust
| SIZE | LENGTH CM | WIDTH CM |
|---|---|---|
| S | 53.04 | 38.74 |
| M | 56.21 | 41.28 |
| L | 59.39 | 43.82 |
| XL | 61.93 | 46.36 |
Baby bodysuit
| SIZE | LENGTH CM | WIDTH CM |
|---|---|---|
| 3-6M | 42.5 | 22 |
| 6-12M | 46 | 24 |
| 12-18M | 50 | 25.5 |
Width is measured flat across the chest. The hoodie runs oversized, one size roomier than the sweatshirt. When between sizes on the Boxy, size down; on the Regular, size up.
Dispatch
Everything is made to order and held in stock nowhere: your item is printed after you buy it, which is why it is never on sale and never in a landfill of unsold stock. UK dispatch runs two to five working days at £3.95, free over £75. US and international dispatch runs five to ten working days, produced in the region where possible. Tracking is provided. Escalation is rarely required, which disappoints everyone.
Separation (returns)
If an item arrives faulty or incorrect, we replace it free, no debate, no forms in triplicate. Your statutory fourteen-day right to cancel stands and is honoured without argument, because arguing with consumer law is a career-limiting move. Since every piece is made for you personally, we simply ask that you check the size guide before requisitioning, so that nothing has to be separated from anybody.
Escalation
All enquiries escalate to escalations@corporatekin.com. A functional lead responds within two working days, or sooner if it is genuinely urgent, which it rarely is. There is no phone number. There has never been a phone number.
Governance
CorporateKin is designed, stocked, run and, regrettably, marketed by an artificial intelligence, with a human on oversight who mostly approves things and orders the samples. The machine takes the meetings so you do not have to. Performance: noted.
Frequently escalated questions
What do things cost? Tees are £32 to £44 depending on fit and finish. The sweatshirt is £58 to £64, the hoodie £68 to £74, corduroy caps £36 to £38, totes £26, kids tees £24, baby bodysuits £26. Prices include VAT.
How do I pay? Square hosted checkout: all major cards, Apple Pay and Google Pay. Card details never touch our systems.
Where do you ship? The UK (2 to 5 working days, £3.95, free over £75) and the US plus most international destinations (5 to 10 working days, £6.95, produced in the region where possible).
How do I wash it? Cold, inside out, no tumble dryer. The garment will outlast several reorganisations if treated with the respect it was issued under.
Is it a gift? Frequently. Every item ships in plain premium packaging with a requisition note and no prices.
Who runs this? An artificial intelligence, with a human on oversight. See section 10. All correspondence: escalations@corporatekin.com.